Humanist Wedding Vows

The vows are the heart of the wedding ceremony so it's not putting it too strongly to say that the words you choose really sum up what you are promising one another. There are three main ways of doing them: Q&A, repeat after me, and I shut up for a bit and you do the talking. There's no right way and they all have their strong points.

Q&A - You stand holding hands and looking into one another's eyes as I say, "Jack and Jill, do you promise to A, B and C?" and you say "I do" - or 'We do". If you're a wee bit shy or nervous, this may be the route you choose, but personally I think it's nice to hear a bit more from you, so you might consider...

REPEAT AFTER ME - Whatever your vows, whether they are the traditional "I, full legal name, take you, full legal name, to be my lawful wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward etc, etc" or vows that you've written yourself, this works well because a) everyone will hear what's being said at least once, because that's my job and b) they will hear how you feel, which is what they've come for.

OVER TO YOU - This is your wedding and these are your promises: who better to speak them than the two of you, directly to one another? It doesn't matter how quietly you say what you have to say, just the fact that you are making promises to one another in your own words and your own voice is incredibly moving, both for you and your family and friends. "But how do we remember what to say", I hear you ask..?

If you do choose this route, what i suggest is that you print your vows in a large font on two separate bits of paper, and make them fit onto half a sheet of A4 each. Then cut the sheet of paper in half and paste both halves onto separate cards and put them both into one envelope. Give the envelope to the groom or the best man so he can give it to your celebrant before the start of your ceremony. that way she or he can hold one for both of you at shoulder height and you'll be able to read them. Or of course you can hold them yourself - it's up to you.



If you do take this route, it's worth taking a little time to practise it at home - what we're aiming for is to see you talking to one another while looking into one another's eyes. What we don't want is seeing you reading to one another while not looking into one another's eyes.

The trick is to practice a few times so you get over your nerves and giggles and know what you're going to say on the day so that even though your head will feel like a strange combination of a Wurlitzer and a wind tunnel, you'll be able to treat the prompt card as just that - a prompt.

Look at it, see what the next sentence is, and then look back at your partner and speak to them as you look into their eyes. Do that and you'll both really feel the meaning of what you're saying! And of course so will everyone else, and that's the point.

Doug & Beth's Humanist Wedding at The Bruntsfield Hotel

A lovely portrait of the beautiful bride from photographer and family friend, Ian Cameron. One of the reasons Doug gave for loving her was that, "Beth is the most gorgeous girl in the world and she still won’t take his word for it." Maybe she will now.



Doug's sister, Jenny gave us a reading from 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' by Louis de Bernieres



This wedding will always live in my memory, as well as Beth and Doug's for a very good reason.

At most weddings, rings are exchanged between the bride and groom, and until now it's always been the best man's job to remember them.

It recently occurred to me that it would be symbolically more equal if the bridesmaid had the one that the bride was to give to the groom, and every couple to whom I've suggested this has agreed.

Doug and Beth thought it was a great idea.



Except that just as we were about to have our first reading, Beth whispered to me, "I've left Doug's ring in my room!"



Luckily I didn't have to try to copy Peter Ustinov, and read the phone book; while Cameron Henderson entertained us on the fiddle, bridesmaid Emma raced up, ransacked the suitcases and got back down again just in time to give her slightly out of breath reading of Rowena Edlin-White's poem ‘Wedding day’. I love it when things go wrong - it's such fun, and everyone talks about it for years!

Lucy & Mike's Humanist Wedding at Ravensheugh Beach

Mike & Lucy have been together for twenty years and their wedding was a wonderfully relaxed and happy event on a day of glorious sunshine.



The beach is near Tyninghame in East Lothian and it's a very romantic spot.



The cabin is absolutely simple but quite magical.



When I arrived, Mike was still getting dressed.



I liked his brand new Converse sneakers...



I loved Sophie's outfit...



And it was great to see Colin & Julia, who I will be marrying in August of this year. Here are some of Colin's shots, which are much better than my own happy snaps





Lucy just sent me a lovely email. She said, "Thank you so much for such a lovely ceremony - we had a really great day, better than we had hoped for. It was really special for us to have so many close friends gathered in such a beautiful location with splendid weather but the best bit for both of us was the ceremony itself. Certainly, I didn't expect to enjoy it anything like as much as I did! Thank you for entering into the relaxed and friendly spirit of the day so well. "







Ravensheugh Log Cabin above Tyninghame Beach must be one of the most spectacular sites for a wedding in Scotland. It's a traditional Canadian style log cabin with a grass roof that sits above the mile long expanse of white sand, about five miles east of North Berwick, and I've been looking forward to conducting a wedding here ever since I first stumbled across it while walking along the coast a few years ago. Built in the 1960's by the Earl of Haddington, it now belongs to the Dale family who farm locally, and it's available here

I believe in a thing called love too...

As all of our friends know, my wife Juliet and I separated at the beginning of this year and she's written a lovely piece about it on her blog, 'Let's Get Married!'

Like her, I was inspired by our marriage to train as a Humanist Celebrant, and despite its failure, I continue to believe that this is the most important work I've ever done. One of the good things I've learned from being a celebrant, (or perhaps from being married to Juliet), is that love and compassion are the most important human virtues and I'm very glad that although we're no longer together, we remain best friends and we will continue to love and care for one another whatever the future may bring.

I did wonder at first how I would feel about conducting weddings for other people, but I'm still as touched, moved and inspired by the whole process of helping two people express their love for one another in their own words as I ever was.

Hope springs eternal!

Anita & Isra's Humanist Wedding at Redhall Walled Garden in Edinburgh

I think this shot by photographer Liz Tainsh really sums up the multi-cultural nature of this lovely ceremony.



Anita's family is from India and Switzerland; Isra is Colombian and their friends are from everywhere. One of the many great things about their wedding was the way they embraced my suggestion that they involve as many of their friends as possible in every aspect of it.



So Anita's dad told us about the time that Mr Isra had beaten him at skimming stones...



Anita's friend Tamer Ghoneim told us just how bossy Anita can be...



Anita's mum, Elsbeth read from Neruda...



Savina told us what Isra thought when he first met Anita...



And everyone somehow managed to squeeze their way into the frame.



In case you were wondering, Redhall is a beautiful Victorian walled garden within Colinton Dell, on the banks of the Water of Leith. You can enter it from the Lanark Road, but it's quite well hidden so keep your eyes peeled. It sells the most wonderful plants and ever since 1983, it's been providing a supportive working environment for up to fifty people recovering from mental health problems. It's open from 9am-3pm, Monday to Friday and you really owe it to yourself to visit. For further information drop them a line.

Kelly & Nick's Humanist Wedding at Harburn House

This was a great day! I first met Kelly and her mum about a year before the wedding and I knew from the start that she was the kind of person who'd put her heart and soul into creating a truly memorable ceremony. I met Nick a few months later and I still can't believe that Kelly can beat him at kick boxing.



When it came to doing their homework, they surprised themselves with how much they got out of it and it inspired them to write some really original and moving vows. Their friends Ryan and Becky used the Big Bang Theory to explain how Nick and Kelly met, taking them from the dawn of time to a beach party in Goa: another unique touch.

Richard & Kathryn's Humanist Wedding at Seton Collegiate Church

Kathryn & Richard first talked to me about their wedding plans over Skype from Australia where they live and it wasn't until a few days before the ceremony that we finally met for the first time. Their wedding, on a glorious spring day in April, was a very relaxed and yet quite traditional one, with morning suits far outnumbering the kilts, which is rare in this part of the world. Kathryn is a fashion designer so of course her dress is her own creation and very lovely it is too.



I was surprised to discover that their friend Sandy lives a few doors away from me and he attracted quite a following, as all good pipers do!



Seton Collegiate Church is what guidebooks like to call "a hidden gem".



Only 13 miles from the centre of Edinburgh, parts of it date from 1242 and although it endured various indignities at the hands of both the English and the Covenanters it survives as "a very impressive building with a friendly and welcoming atmosphere".



At least part of that is down to the wonderful team from Historic Scotland who look after the building and its wonderful gardens, filled with the scent of magnolia and quite alive with goldfinches. Lesley Brown is the smiling lady who seems to run the show and does it so well, she even managed to find the time to take these photos of the wedding herself - who needs an official photographer?



I was conducting a wedding rehearsal there yesterday and was astonished to learn from Lesley that there will be only 13 weddings at Seton this year; it deserves to be much better known and much more visited. Click here to find out more. Thanks again Lesley for the photos!